Out Of Control: Domestic Violence Is Not Just Physical

When you hear the term “domestic violence” what comes to your mind? Most likely, an image of a wife who has been beaten. Physical violence is the most widely acknowledged form of domestic violence, but is it really that hard to believe the term actually encompasses a myriad of different actions?  Controlling behaviors, mental & emotional manipulations, and verbal threats are also considered as D.V.  You do not have to bear the scars and bruises only on your body, you can also bear them in your heart, soul, and mind.

So, you think you can just walk in to my house like it is nothing? Like you own the place still, like it is your right to do so.  You think you can stand in my kitchen and talk loud and drunkenly? You can gather the children in the kitchen to bear witness to your loud railings against me, to use as pawns in your effort to draw me in to whatever game you’ve decided to play?  Laugh in my face when I say you must leave, this isn’t your house and you have no rights here.  Laugh, breathing your putrid alcohol cloud in my face, laugh that I am stupid to say that to you! Laugh and mock me,  like I must have forgotten “who you are” the person who is always right even when you are dead wrong. Laugh that I could be such a pathetic, silly, little human to think I could tell you what to do.  You are above us all, did I forget that? We bend to your will simply because you say too.  We are inferior, stupid, insignificant, we do what you say, think what you tell us, we are here only because you allow us to be.  Did I forget that??

I did. I fucking forgot that. I forgot that shit three years ago. When I left.  You don’t belong here.  You are not welcome here! Do not stand in my house and tell my children ugly things about me. Do not trap me in my own home, trying to engage me in a battle that I don’t have to fight. Sit by my door for hours, spitting your drunken venom, threatening my safety and sanity.

I left. I left a long fucking time ago. You don’t have the right to try to control my situation anymore. You should have more sense than to use children for your manipulations.  You are terrible and cruel and petty.  You are worse than the man who uses his fists for abuse.

It took a strong burst of love for my children to break the cycle of emotional abuse and mind control. It took more courage than I will probably ever know again.

It has been three years.  I no longer have to defer to you. I get to think my own thoughts and have my own opinions and be my own person.  Quit walking in my house like you belong here, you have no right.

Captains Log: Day 14,523 of Life’s Journey..

So. It’s day 14,523. That is a ridiculous number, in this context, when you stop to think about it. Over fourteen thousand days into the journey and how many of those can I truly remember? If I compiled all of the memory snippets floating in my head, I bet they total less than one full year of the journey. -_- Fuck.

14,thousandfuckingdays. I would almost swear that 90% of those days feature me being thwarted in some effort I am undertaking.  If we could watch a mini film of highlights, it would show me, wandering aimlessly with purpose (😉), coming up against brick walls repeatedly.

I do not see myself as a victim in my life, I really do not put my shortcomings off on others, especially when I can see the how’s & why’s that brought about the end result. If I fucked up, I will own that. Still, sometimes, I literally want to just throw my hands up and scream,”Fine! Fuck it! You broke me! I’m out, I give up, You win!” But who is You? Who wins? Does that mean that I lose?? Unacceptable. I cannot lose. Even if I don’t truly understand what the winning and losing mean here. I am pretty convinced there is no tangible prize, I won’t get a medal. Or a party. For sure no money. -_-  Maybe the “win” is the proud feeling I will get from knowing that I broke a thousand times, was kicked in the face, burned at the stake, put down, shit upon, and left for dead but I still Did Not Quit. I would trip, fall, rise, stumble, face plant, rise, cry(humiliating wracking sobs, snot aflow), get pushed, rise, scream, soldier on… There is no one standing in the sidelines, there is no safety net, nobody’s hand out to help, and there likely won’t be.  This journey is mine, I have exactly Me to depend on.

At my lowest, I think,”What the fuck am I even doing? Who am I doing this for? Who cares if I function adultishly every day?” I am struck with the  realization that not one person ever thought I would even make it this far, and in turn, not one person knows how far I have come.

I just want that one day, my kids can look back at life and say, “Wow, all those years we thought mom was doing nothing but ignoring us and really, look at all the hard work she was putting in to making sure we didn’t go without.”  I want to know they were comfortable, felt loved, secure, and maybe learned some little lessons along the way. I just want to make sure my journey through hell on Earth to keep them together was enough to show them how loved they were. And I will hope they know I would do it all again, in a heartbeat.

*afternote* Idek how to blog, or what you’re “supposed” to write about, in what style, etc. In fact, this blog had no intention of being about this subject.  Here lies my gift to you, a broken girls disjointed thought process of brain to keyboard action. No filters, no rewrites, my brain always “thinks” as if I am writing in a journal…. fin.

 

Ever since the show ‘Alice’ I wanted to be a waitress……..

What was I thinking??  haha What on Earth about that show made me want so badly than to be nothing more than a food server?  🙂  Years later I remember a show called ‘It’s a Living’  and I loved that one too!  Just reinforced my dream!  When I was 16 years old I had been working at the movie theatre for almost two years when a friend asked if i’d ever wanted to wait tables,  I was like YES!!!   So he told me to come to the El Coronado and apply for a server position because they needed one.  I was so sure i’d never get it because I had no experience and I was so young.  However, Mary hired me on the spot and I was so excited. 🙂

Waiting tables was so much fun, I worked the evening shift because I was in my senior year of high school so I wasn’t free until two, but taking home even twenty bucks a night was so awesome!  (yes this was 20 dang years ago, haha) I figured I would never do anything else but this, screw college….who needs the hassle?  Alas, I did end up quitting that job and going back to the movie theatre that I had grown up in.  I worked there off and on for 7 or more years along with a video store, being a teachers aide and ultimately owning my own restaurant with my family for a year.   The restaurant biz kept calling me back!

We did try it on our own for 13 months but ultimately costs were too high and with me having baby number three we decided to cut our losses 😦  However, the experience of doing literally every job from prep cook, to line cook, to server, busser, hostess, accountant, inventory, dishwasher, anything else you can think of- that was me…. has given me enough experience to know that I want always to be a WAITRESS 😀

Once I moved to Lake County my experience enabled me to get a great job at an awesome restaurant in Upper Lake,  that took me through my first 4 years here.  Now, thankfully, I am employed at another amazing restaurant in Upper Lake and it is so much fun, I have great coworkers and awesome customers.  For the most part…….

    My fun stories for the day, ‘or so says me’……………. Customer “She’d like the breakfast burrito with crispy bacon and no potatoes on the side because she can’t have potatoes, what can she substitute for potatoes?”  Me “No problem, she can substitute coleslaw or a small salad maybe onion rings?”  Customer “What about french fries?  Can she substitute french fries?”  Ummmm, Me ” Well sure she can, if she can have fries :)”  Customer “Great fries then, and I want tuna salad but only if it’s fresh, is it made here?  Is it fresh?”  “mmmhmm It is made here :)”  “Are you sure it doesn’t come from a box?  Go find out FOR SURE.” ( What the hell tuna comes from a BOX??! ) So I leave, come back “It is FOR SURE made here and it is FRESH :D”  Customer “I’ll have the tuna salad then, i’d like fries on  the side BUT I need to make sure they are not fried with any fish product. Are they?? Cause i’m allergic…go find out.”  “No they aren’t I know this for sure because i’ve had other customers ask.  Umm, is yours a shellfish allergy? (confusion)”  “No, it’s all fish,i’m highly allergic.”  Me “Ok, so tuna salad and fries?”  “Yes”  i’m wondering at this point if I should ask her if she knows that tuna is a fish……….and that fries come from potatoes…..but I smile and walk away, put in her order, serve her, take care of her, and at the end of the meal she says “It may have confused you when I ordered tuna and then said I was allergic to fish…..”  (ya think?) “well, tuna is less oily than other fish so I can eat it.”  I’m pretty sure my ‘oh my goodness, really?’ smile was screaming ‘go back to your box crazyface!!!!’ but I tried to keep the giggles inside.  Tuna is less oily than WHAT other fish?? She didn’t even explain the fries, I don’t think she knows they are potatoes……..omg
     There is my favorite lady who comes every Thursday, makes me recite the monthly special, tells me then “Go get your story straight and come tell me again” as if I have gotten it wrong? and then religiously only orders a salad…..she also leaves a handful of change as a tip 🙂
    And lastly my favorite man, who apparently waits for hours at a bus stop in another town to come over and have our mens special just to be dissappointed EVERY TIME……he doesn’t tip.  Seeing his purty face is tip enough 🙂
    I remember every day that I wake up—– I LOVE PEOPLE!!!  😀  True story that……
 
    

Ohhhhhh, so your kids ‘homeschool’ do they???…..

     I can’t ever understand the people who are against homeschooling…. Do you hate what you have created OR are you insecure in your own abilities??  Now my other half will speak,” I never wanted to homeschool, I felt like I would raise a bunch of kids who only knew what songs on the radio I liked……”

     In the beginning, Paisley attended a charter school.  It was awesome, Mrs. Kennedy was so amazing she taught me enough (since I was her aide) that I was able to homeschool Paisley and Mason two years later.  Also, luckily, my mother was a teacher for 20+ years so I did pick some things up……Once we moved to CA we put Paisley and Mason back in ‘regular’ school and they excelled.  Both are 4.0 students. 

     My cousin also homeschools.  Our kids are not ‘Socially Retarded’ as many wonder,  our kids are as awesome as they can be, luckily they are not the kids running around stores like wild banshees, they are not the crying, whining, hanging on you and begging for candy types.  They are polite, they have manners, they are smart and creative!!  I think keeping them home and exposing them to ‘life’ as opposed to ‘school’ is so much better.

    Instead of questioning homeschooling parents, I would question those who don’t homeschool…. Why did you have kids in the first place?  My oldest two, whom have chosen ‘regular school’ do exceedingly well, one is the yearbook editor, a cheerleader, a 4.0, the other is in the running to be 8th gade valedictorian and a 4.0……  i’m pretty sure my two youngest will be OK 😉 

.Thanks ❤ Carrie

Breast Cancer and it’s effect on my life…….

    So, I decided to start the facebook post your boob shot thing to support breast cancer awareness.  Not just to be weird, it’s funny because I see so many boob shots on there anyway (with an accidental face in the way sometimes) that I thought more people would be supportive.  Anyhoooooo, i’m going to blog about how Breast Cancer has effected my life (hopefully without crying) and maybe anyone who reads this will understand how seriously we need to take this topic even when I’m making light of the situation……. 🙂

    When I was a child I had an Aunt that I was in awe of, not only was she tall and beautiful, but also kind of stand offish……which I appreciated because I was shy.  She would always breeze in to the room and make conversation and kind of dominate in a quiet way, I wanted to be like her!  (unfortunately, since she was someone who married in to the family I got no tall genetics :/)  In my teen years she got breast cancer, I am not positive BUT I believe at this point she was no longer married to my Uncle.  I was devastated, I remember being so scared that we’d lose her even though at this point I only saw her intermitently.  What a horrible thing to experience!  At any rate she shaved her head with grace, as did her grandsons in support of her, we all sat by and worried and in her way, she prevailed and kicked cancer’s Ass!  🙂

     Many years later, her daughter (also one of my favorites because of her snarky sarcastic attitude ;}) was hit with breast cancer 😦 I cried, I despaired!  I thought “What the fuck is going on here???”  I was not on the front lines of either of their battles because i’m younger and so far away but inside I prayed like I never have.  My cousin, whom had breast enlargement surgery months before her diagnosis (as many of us in the family have) had to have them removed and go through the whole cancer treatment process.  I wish we were closer so I could have talked with her more and aided her through her pain :/  Again, she prevailed!! She is still with us and still beautiful and amazing 🙂

    In my last story, I met a wonderful woman, so spry and cheerful, a little sarcastic, a little snide 🙂  The first person in Lake County to give me a job and a chance, 🙂  She made the internal angst of this move relax… she was my first manager at the Blue Wing.  When I found out she had battled breast cancer I talked with her a little about my family.  She was very optimistic in her struggles.  Sadly, the breast cancer came back a second time.  She battled again and won!  After about two years, the doctors had to inform her the cancer had spread to her brain and there was nothing they could do 😦  She still worked almost until her last days, she was amazing.  Last year we lost this awesome woman and we will forever miss her……. so in support of breast cancer awareness        DO SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING!!!!!

*I did not include names because I did not ask permission first 🙂